Speaking the Truth

Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

-- Ephesians 4:14-16

Which is better:

1. Speaking the truth, but not necessarily in love, or
2. Not speaking the truth at all?

What if, in an effort to stave off further emotional pain, you speak up - in a way that could be perceived as being not "in love" - is this not better than saying nothing at all? What if an environment of mutual openness and honesty is not present or someone is or comes across as "unapproachable"?

In the past I've noticed that I've been one to stay quiet because it hasn't felt worth it to speak up. I've rationalized that I'm just being too sensitive/emotional/thin-skinned. Suck it up, I've told myself, and be a "man".

I've learned this past week that not being honest about my feelings is not being honest. As I write that previous sentence, it seems rather obvious. Yet I've been in this habit for so long of not being open and honest when my feelings have gotten hurt by someone else.

This realization shows me how subtle lying is. I'm reminded of 2 Corinthians 11:13-15, where the apostle Paul mentions that "Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light" and likewise where Jesus says in John 8:43-45:

Why is my language not clear to you? Because you are unable to hear what I say. You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. Yet because I tell the truth, you do not believe me!

I've developed a pattern of holding my hurt feelings inside, and it's done me more emotional harm than good. I've mentioned in earlier posts about my struggles with Compulsive Scab Picking (CSP), and I have come to realize that I engage in this behavior to compensate for not being open and honest about these emotions. I've tended to channel the inner hurt into external harm to myself.

While I've used much of this post to describe how harmful dishonesty is to oneself, I could probably use at least as much space to discuss how harmful dishonesty is to the person who has done the hurting.

If someone has hurt you, especially if by design it's "supposed to be" a close relationship (e.g., family or friend), then it does that person no good to not say anything. In fact, because you don't say anything, he or she will probably continue in the offensive behavior not only with you, but also with others.

Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

-- Romans 1:28-32 (emphasis added)

I want to develop the practice of "speaking the truth in love", but I'll start with just speaking the truth if that's what it takes.