Monday, February 11, 2002

Late-Night Depression

I am feeling very emotional. I just spent time praying to God about how I'm feeling. Crying, angry, bitter, frustrated. Hot tears falling from my eyes. Hurting from within my heart, wanting it all to go away.

Even more troublesome was that I was doing this in front of my little girl. She had been "scared", and both Jennie and I were tired, wanting to go to bed. She kept crying out for one of us. When she cried out to me, I was so upset. I went in with my voice raised telling her she needed to go to sleep.

I asked if she wanted to pray, and she said yes. Well, I started praying for her, and then I started crying out my frustration with how I've been feeling.

I often have a hard time with this depression and ADHD stuff I'm dealing with. I have trouble seeing what I can control and what I cannot. I'm upset that I'm hurting those whom I love the most - Jennie and Keisha. I've not been responsible. I feel like I've let so many people down, especially Jennie.

Because of this I feel so guilty. Why do I keep putting her and Keisha through these times? This is not who I was when we got married. Our relationship was so much different then than it is now. It seems so much harder now. The feelings aren't always there, but my commitment is.

I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. I wish I could be happy and not mess up the world around me. I want this all to go away.


Deus911 said...

Hey, I have the same thing as you.
I have ADHD and I just happened to get long-lasting depression a year ago... Man I know how it feels... although I am 18 years of age. The crappy thing is that I want my old self back. I use to be the most optimistic person I knew now it's not showing itself do to this dumb illness. Ah well take care mate.

Dan said...

4 years later, I have a different perspective. I realize that most of my depression was situational. I am much more aware of the indicators that I'm heading toward a depressive episode.

As far as the ADHD stuff goes, I'm learning to not be quite so intense, to step back, and live a little more "unstructured". I don't know if any of this makes sense or not.

I'm not taking any prescriptions for depression or ADHD now. I do take St. John's Wort for the mood, which has helped.