Depressing Day in the Journey

I've had a rough day. I came home from work last night and got on the computer. I was on the computer for three hours, and during that time I took my shoes and socks off and began scratching my left foot and ankle. I scratched really hard, breaking skin. At the time it didn't hurt much, but, as the day progressed, it has.

I finally went to bed at around 5 AM this morning, taking the Lexapro, the antidepressant which is supposed to set my brain up with more seratonin. It's the seratonin that is supposed to help me with the depression and self-injurious tendencies.

I slept for a few hours before Keisha woke up to get ready for a morning doctor's appointment. Jennie had today off, so she got Keisha ready. I fell back to sleep until Jennie returned home, a little after noon. I took Jake for a walk.

I heard from Jennie that the pediatrician has concluded that Keisha has the weight of a 14 year old and the height of an 8 year old. She's 112 pounds and a little over 4 feet tall. She's only 6 years old.

As I began to realize that I've been responsible for my daughter's physical condition, I got depressed. I realize that if we continue living how we've been living, she'll have a lot of health problems in the future. I feel like I could be killing my own daughter if I don't do something.

I spent a little time remembering how she was as an infant, toddler, and younger girl. She's already getting teased by other kids about her weight.

Jennie mentioned that her pediatrician wants us to meet with a nutritionist soon. I know that we'll have to make some lifestyle changes, and it feels overwhelming right now.

Also, we've been getting daily phone calls from the company we have our car loan with. We haven't made a payment in a few months. They're talking about pursuing "recovery action". I know I need to call them, but I don't really know what to say.

I feel a little down at how much my life has changed. In a way, I long for the time when work was more steady, we could pay our bills, and life seemed a lot more manageable.

I feel like I just want to retreat into a cocoon and stay there until spring.