On Wednesday I mentioned the emotional day we had. It's been an "up and down" week, really.
Yesterday Jennie returned to the OB/GYN and had some more bloodwork done. I went to work up in Dayton. She called me at 4:30 PM and said that the HGH level had dropped from what it was when we went to the ER. I took that to mean that we're losing the baby.
(Tears are welling in my eyes as I type this.)
Yesterday at work I was feeling okay, feeling surrendered. I left work and picked Jennie and Keisha up at the mall from Keisha's keyboard lesson, and we went home. Jennie went to the store to get some groceries while Keisha and I warmed up dinner.
When Jennie came back, she broke down, crying. She guessed she wanted to somehow compensate for the loss by buying some clothes to make her feel better and felt ashamed by that.
(I'm having a hard time holding back the tears as I type this.)
I held her and we both cried for awhile. Then it was over, and we went to the dining room area and ate dinner. Keisha did most of the work in setting the table, chopping up tomatoes (we had tacos). At first I thought it was her way of maybe not dealing with how she was feeling, but she later said she was doing it to see if she could earn some money - how funny.
After watching some Thursday night TV, I went to bed, but I overheard Jennie talking more with Keisha about what's going on before she put Keisha to bed. Jennie read Psalm 46 ("God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble."). She told Keisha that the baby was in heaven with God because God felt the baby wasn't ready to be born.
Keisha then said, "But I told all my friends that you were pregnant. They're going to think I lied."
"Do you think Mommy and Daddy lied to you?" Jennie asked.
"No," Keisha said.
"Then neither did you," Jennie said.
Also last night Jennie talked with some of our close friends in Dayton, who had a miscarriage a few years ago themselves. We had planned on meeting them for dinner in Dayton, but because of things they had going on and how we've been this week, decided not to.
I'm really glad once again that we've had people close to us that we can talk to about all of this. And I'm really grateful to you for all your prayers, words of support. Maybe you've contacted me directly, or maybe you've done something on your own. Whatever the case, we've felt comforted.
Jennie will go back on Monday for some last bloodwork. I think this is to see whether anything still exists and whether a D&C is needed. I just browsed the About.com page for D & C, and I almost wish I hadn't. Ugh. I don't even want to talk about it right now.
Waves of sorrow still sweep over us from time to time, and, while I realize it's natural, I long to be able to move on from all of this.
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
-- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (emphasis added)