Friday, April 20, 2007

Waves of sorrow still

On Wednesday I mentioned the emotional day we had. It's been an "up and down" week, really.

Yesterday Jennie returned to the OB/GYN and had some more bloodwork done. I went to work up in Dayton. She called me at 4:30 PM and said that the HGH level had dropped from what it was when we went to the ER. I took that to mean that we're losing the baby.

(Tears are welling in my eyes as I type this.)

Yesterday at work I was feeling okay, feeling surrendered. I left work and picked Jennie and Keisha up at the mall from Keisha's keyboard lesson, and we went home. Jennie went to the store to get some groceries while Keisha and I warmed up dinner.

When Jennie came back, she broke down, crying. She guessed she wanted to somehow compensate for the loss by buying some clothes to make her feel better and felt ashamed by that.

(I'm having a hard time holding back the tears as I type this.)

I held her and we both cried for awhile. Then it was over, and we went to the dining room area and ate dinner. Keisha did most of the work in setting the table, chopping up tomatoes (we had tacos). At first I thought it was her way of maybe not dealing with how she was feeling, but she later said she was doing it to see if she could earn some money - how funny.

After watching some Thursday night TV, I went to bed, but I overheard Jennie talking more with Keisha about what's going on before she put Keisha to bed. Jennie read Psalm 46 ("God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble."). She told Keisha that the baby was in heaven with God because God felt the baby wasn't ready to be born.

Keisha then said, "But I told all my friends that you were pregnant. They're going to think I lied."

"Do you think Mommy and Daddy lied to you?" Jennie asked.

"No," Keisha said.

"Then neither did you," Jennie said.

Also last night Jennie talked with some of our close friends in Dayton, who had a miscarriage a few years ago themselves. We had planned on meeting them for dinner in Dayton, but because of things they had going on and how we've been this week, decided not to.

I'm really glad once again that we've had people close to us that we can talk to about all of this. And I'm really grateful to you for all your prayers, words of support. Maybe you've contacted me directly, or maybe you've done something on your own. Whatever the case, we've felt comforted.

Jennie will go back on Monday for some last bloodwork. I think this is to see whether anything still exists and whether a D&C is needed. I just browsed the page for D & C, and I almost wish I hadn't. Ugh. I don't even want to talk about it right now.

Waves of sorrow still sweep over us from time to time, and, while I realize it's natural, I long to be able to move on from all of this.

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

-- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (emphasis added)


Chris Brogan said...

I'm very sorry for your loss. May the strength of your family and loved ones be of comfort during this time.

Daniel said...

Thanks, Chris!

Mark said...

We're so sorry to hear about your loss, Dan, Jennie and Keisha. Take good care and know that you have lots of friends who are thinking about you right now.

Michael Bailey said...

I am sorry for your loss. My wife and I had two similar experiences in our past, but everytime we hug our 2 kids, we know that there are reasons behind it which we just can never understand.

Ed Ovett said...

As Dan wrote this blog I could feel his tears as well as my own. In addition to the very good scriptures chosen, the Matthew Ebel song comes to mind, "This Too Shall Pass!" Be strong, Johnsons!

Daniel said...

Thanks, Mark, Michael, and Ed! Really appreciate your sentiments.

Lifespring said...

The Webbs are praying for Johnsons.

Margaret said...

With tears in my eyes and a heavy hear I am trying to find the right words to respond.
Are there ever any words that really make a difference at a time like this?I can just hope knowing so many really care about family is comfort within itself.

I know the sorrow my own Mother experienced her entire lifetime at the loss of her stillborn child.I know the emptiness I still feel at the loss of a twin to Mandy early in the pregnancy.
You somehow move on because we are supposed to.Life is for the living.

For whatever reason this little soul was not meant to breathe a breath of fresh air or have us hear a cry.However,it doesn't mean it wasn't part of a greater plan and he/she still has value.
How loved this soul is that so many family and friends were eager at it's arrival into the world and now grieve and mourn the loss of him/her.
What a blessing to all of us this tiny soul has been!
God is great and is in control.
In that I find comfort and solace and know someday I will be reunited with my grandbaby that I wasn't able to hold here on earth.

Little one,tell Gramps and Grandma we miss them and thanks for watching over us.
I am envious you get to see the face of God long before I do my little one.
I am imagining your homegoing and so excited for you.
In my Father's House there are many rooms.Yours is being readied for you.Be at peace my darling child.Nana loves you.

Christopher said...

One day at a time, my friend. There is a design, no matter how incomprehensible, to the universe and its aims, and we are all bound to obey it. Reassure your wife that she's blameless (as are you) and that all our thoughts are with you.