Emotions At This Moment

Note: During church service this morning, I wrote this.

I'm feeling emotional right now, struggling with depression. I've had passive suicidal ideation within the last couple of days. I know I need to be careful how much I let the "convicting" passages of Scripture affect me. To use a bicycle analogy, my mind is "out of true" right now.

This morning on the way to church I saw a large, full trash bag on the side of the highway. This led me to think of a great escape plot point for a story: person hides inside of laundry bag, bag rolls off truck as it travels down highway, protagonist claws his/her way through to escape.

Income ideas: sell books, CDs, videos, DVDs
sell blood plasma
odd jobs
put in job apps to BW-3 or Tumbleweed for bartender/server-type job
put in job app to Salvation Army for musician to attend kettles at donation points

God will not give me more than I can handle (1 Corinthians 10:13)

Anxieties, pressures of life:

• Car
  • registration/title/insurance -- no $ for it; what if we get pulled over or in accident? Car impounded, arrest, sent to jail, fined, court, bad reputation?
  • coolant - seems okay - not leaking now, fortunately, but must continue to monitor
  • Front brakes/driveaxle system: will tire come off axle like on Mom's car? Why does it stop/start again? What if we have an accident while driving? No $ to have it looked at/fixed
• Keisha
  • bladder control issues - frustration at her many accidents. I've been short with her, emotional with her, disappointed. Why do we have to continue to pay $ for pull-ups, which we could be using for something else to take care of something she should be able to control herself? I'm angry she's having so many accidents. H2 get her to stop wetting the bed. So much extra laundry to do.
  • Keeping up with her school work - frustrations with her frustration as she has difficulty grasping new concepts
• Rent, phone, electric, water: Continued cycle of getting behind

I wish I had a job like I used to - it paid a significant salary so that we could pay our rent, etc., on time. I don't feel like my skills are what they used to be.

Self-loathing, self-doubt -- thoughts of worthlessness. How can I sell someone else on me when I'm not convinced myself? So I go back to what's easy, comfortable, even though I know I'm worth much more.

I have difficulty focusing enough to do a job search. I wish I had money for prescription co-pays. I'm frustrated and angry that I cannot pay for anti-depressant and ADHD meds I used to take. I've been off them for over a month now. I'm frustrated and angry that I have to deal with depression, anxiety, OCD (scab picking), and ADHD at all.

It's hard to see what's good about it at all.

So I head for distractions - outside activities to help lighten the atmosphere:
movies, DVDs
music: recorded and my playing
reading
writing
spending time with my wife and daughter
drinking coffee to stay stimulated (caffeine is a legal stimilant)
walks with the dog
drawing and coloring with Keisha
bike riding

more to come later, perhaps...