Following Up on Those Thoughts I Had

I began writing this post over a week ago, and I just now have had a chance to come back to it. I've taken a lot of this post from an email I sent to Bene Diction, the Official Canuck of 'Journey Inside My Mind'. It's good for others to read, too:

• Background
• Relationships Closer to Home
• Physical Struggles
• Spiritual Struggles
• Able to Bear It
• Longing to Be Free From It All
• What God Says

Background

As I mentioned recently, I've tended of late to use this blog as an outlet for my emotions. I'm no longer able to provide daily updates, so that may explain the overall change in tone. Were I able to provide daily updates, other readers would be able to see a more balanced picture of what's going on in my life.

Relationships Closer to Home

I am grateful to God for the close relationships I have with brothers and sisters here in the church in Dayton, especially, and with those who are not as close. I am grateful, too, for the therapy sessions and the medication that helps with my moods, etc.

Physical Struggles

Last month I was hurt at work, but I'm getting it taken care of through the Ohio Bureau of Worker's Compensation. Over the past several weeks I've undergone physical therapy on my right hand, which has definitely helped. The work restrictions were lifted this past Tuesday. It's getting better all the time.

Spiritual Struggles

While chatting with a brother in Christ on the phone some weeks ago, I mentioned that I don't know what to pray for -- it seems that there is so much. I know that God knows what we need before we ask him, and the Holy Spirit helps us when we are unable to communicate with words. So I'm confident that God is taking care of me/us. This brother, after hearing me share, said, "It sounds like you need a miracle."

Able to Bear It

I know that our circumstances could always get worse. I know that there are others who have life much harder than I. I also know that God will not allow me to be tempted beyond what I can bear. I just never thought I could bear so much, if you know what I mean! (lol)

Longing to Be Free From It All

Sure, I've had "passive suicidal ideation," as it's known in the psychology world. I have just wanted relief. I have no plans to take myself out; I know from God's word that it's not my place to say when, where, and how -- my life is in God's hands.

What God Says

I am grateful to have been reminded from the Scriptures, that, whenever suicide is mentioned, it's always in the context of being ungodly. I'm reminded of

• King Saul in 1 Chronicles 10, specifically verses 4, 13-14
• King Zimri in 1 Kings 16:15-20
• Judas, Matthew 27:1-10 and Acts 1:18-19

Similarly, there are other examples where people felt like dying but didn't give into it (Moses and Elijah).

It's not my life to take:

"I know, O LORD , that a man's life is not his own;
it is not for man to direct his steps." (Jeremiah 10:23)

Keeping these convictions has been a tremendous help.